While I remember I have a blog

I'll just jump in long enough to say oops- I keep forgetting I have a blog.

Bad Marinda.

I'll try to be better.

'Tis the Struggle

You know the dreams where it feels like you're falling? The kind that you wake up from, gasping for air?
That's how I've been feeling almost constantly for the past few days. Yes, you knew it was coming- another blog about my Charlotte. Because it is this time of year that I miss her the most. That I can't stop thinking about her. About how it felt to lose her. About how it felt to be without her on her first Christmas last year. And about how it felt when she lived inside of me. And all of these things make me feel selfish.
Look at what I have. A perfect daughter, about to have her first Christmas. A wonderful husband, who works so damn hard to bring home the money we need for food, shelter, diapers. And all I can think is, "It isn't enough." Why isn't this enough? I have 1,000x more of everything than many people have of anything. And it's not enough. Which makes me a horrible person. A horrible friend, wife, mother. Because I have so much and yet, I am beginning to wonder, to question.

Up until now, I haven't really questioned. I was a good little solider and I didn't ask (at least not often) "Why, God, why?" And really, to be honest, I'm still not asking that question. What I want to know is "Why not". Why is it that Laura visits my dreams so often. She comes to me and we rarely talk, but we hug and we cry and we love each other. In my dreams she forgives me for being a monster of a sister. For yelling at her for being a kid. For not inviting her to all my parties. She visits me, and I know it's not just a dream. It is a true visit from my sister. But for nearly two years, I have been asking, praying, begging- for a visit from my daughter. The girl I loved from the moment I saw the two lines. The girl I prayed for every night and woke with every morning. I ask God to please PLEASE let me see her, let me hold her again. Even if it's only a dream, please let her visit. Please let me close my eyes and hold my baby in my arms, let me feel what it's like to tuck her into her bed, to comb her hair and hear her voice saying "Mommy". Let me have a little piece of my baby.
But it doesn't happen. It never happens. And all I can think is "why not?" And because I don't get answers from God, I have my own. Because it was my fault? Did I do something, or not do something that caused her to die? All of the doctors can't answer me, and the one who can, God- well, He isn't talking. Does she not WANT to come and see me? Is that why I am not allowed to see her? Does she blame me for not protecting her? Because I didn't. Whatever happened to her, I am the only one who was supposed to keep her safe. Was it something I did even before I got pregnant? Some pill I took, an antibiotic or allergy pill, that messed up her chances of survival? I know we have gone this round before. The doctors could agree on this at least. It wasn't my fault. But what if I could go back and do things differently? It haunts me. Not only because I don't know what the outcome would be, but because I cannot do it anyway. Even if given that chance. Because one little change would take Sophia away from me, and she is my greatest joy. And some people might say that there is my answer. I lost Charlotte so that I would have Sophia when I did. But why is that okay, to take one for another?

It's Sophia now who catches me when I feel like I am falling. It only takes a smile, a laugh, a stinker face. Her calling for mama. And I find my feet underneath me again. And I know this will become less of a struggle. As the years go on, I will find more and more peace. I know these things. But I want to know now. Why not? Why not now? Is it really just the season? Was it the damned book? (Sorry Becca, I'm not blaming it or you- it's just what started me reeling again.) Is it just the feeling that I'm not good enough? Because I cannot do it all, I didn't deserve the chance? Whatever it is, I wish it would go away. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling like I am falling into nothing, especially when I know I have so much. I have so many people that will catch me. And I know it, I just can't feel it right now. I'm tired of lying awake in bed wondering what my dreams will bring, and worse- waking up disappointed. Again and again.

But beyond all of this. And there is a beyond. We are celebrating. Everyday, in between bouts of doubt. Sophia is here with us and I am beyond grateful for her. For this chance, to see her unwrap a doll on Christmas. To put her in her Christmas jammies and send her to bed with a promise that Santa will come by morning. I have been waiting for this chance for two long years. And I am not wasting it.

Our First Halloween

Isn't until next week, but we're excited!! I keep forgetting that I have to keep this blog up to date. It seems like I never have time, but that's only because I spend all of my time in the sandbox. Sophia is going to be a pumpkin this year. But we also have a leopard costume and a pink fairy costume (that I made and am kind of embarrassed by). We'll see how many times she allows me to dress her up. Sophia got to meet her uncle Jeremiah and cousin Wyatt for the first time. We're very excited to see them again at Christmas! This month we went to the pumpkin patch with our friends. Sophia, Averi and Makenzie were great about their mommies taking 200 pictures of them. Poor girls! A few days later, Sophia and I took our friends Jessie and Grayson to the zoo. Grayson loves all of the animals. Sophia doesn't love my camera. :) We also went to our first Walk To Remember this month. It's a walk for our lost babies. We had a balloon release and all of the babies names were read. It's a SHARE program, and it was really wonderful. It was also really cold that day. Sophia hasn't been sleeping very well this month, ever since she got sick. So I really should be in bed right now, getting what sleep I can before she wakes up and wants to crawl into my bed. I will try very hard to remember this blog and not wait so long to update it.

Because she is my daughter everyday.

I wanted to repost some of my blogs from Myspace. Namely, the two blogs I posted and left up for a week. I deleted them because it was too much.  But I want them reposted here because Charlotte is important to me every day. Not just the days that someone else remembers her. Not just on the days when I'm sad. Every day. Today. Tomorrow. And I want people to know her story. I want people to know what she was like, but I know I can't share enough of that. You will never know how amazing she was. How she would dance when I ate pizza, when I drank chocolate milk. How she was always moving, tumbling about in mommy's tummy. I can't share those things with you because they're mine. Those things are the kicks I feel late at night when I can't sleep. When I hear Sophia laughing in her sleep. I reposted those two blogs because I want people to know our story because some days I feel as though she is slipping away. Time is stealing my memories, making them fuzzy and uncertain. And I want to make sure that she never goes away. 

The Days Before

I have to start on Thursday. (Because if I started from the beginning, we would be here all day. I have so many memories of our time with Charlotte, that I could literally fill a book. Maybe someday I will.) Thursday, February 22, 2007. (Laura's birthday) When I left work (around 10 am, I was PT) I was on my way to take Mike lunch at work. Before I stopped for our Jamba Juice, I decided to go shopping. Now, as much as I love shopping, and as much as I loved buying baby stuff, I hadn't bought her any clothes yet. I don't know why, I just felt weird buying clothes for a baby we hadn't met yet. But this day, I decided it was time. I went to Ross (because really, I was looking for baskets for her closet). I found the baskets, and 6 or 7 cute outfits for my little girl. I patted myself on the back for finally accepting that we were having this baby soon. I drove to Mike's work, talking to Charlotte the whole way. She wasn't moving much, just a kick here and there. When we got to Mike's work, and I started talking to him, the baby started kicking like crazy. She woke up to do her daddy dance. That's how she was.

Friday I went shopping again. My never ending quest for the perfect diaper bag paid off. At Target, I found a plain black bag with plenty of pockets. When I talked to Mike on his lunch, I told him I'd finally found our diaper bag. I was excited. When we got home that day, we decided to put her bassinet together. I was convinced she was coming early, and we would be bringing her home the next week. I wanted to be prepared. The pack-n-play was a pain in the butt to put together, but we got it done. I even stocked it with diapers.

Saturday morning, I spent cleaning. Throwing out old crap. Organizing new things. That night, we went to Mike's parent's house to make dinner. When we walked in the door, their dog jumped on me. Full on, up on my stomach. My hands were full of groceries, I couldn't stop her. I will always wonder if that had anything to do with losing my baby. Anyway, we made and ate dinner, and I sat in the recliner afterwards. Charlotte was kicking hard. I was still having the strange, dull, pain in my upper right side. We never figured out what it was. Probably just her bum, up in my ribs. On our way home, Mike and I discussed having a small party the next weekend. His friend, Dan, was coming into town, and I said it could be baby's first party. I thought she'd be home by then.

Sunday morning. I got out of bed early, to check online and see if the changing table we wanted was on sale. It wasn't. I ate some Dove dark chocolate and watched tv for a while. When I went back into our room and laid on the bed, Mike asked me how the baby was moving. I hadn't realized it until then, but I hadn't felt her move all morning. I took a shower, and went and made some chocolate milk. I had a diet Coke. She wasn't moving. I didn't freak out yet, though. Some days she moved a lot less than others. But I called Labor and Delivery to tell them what was going on. I was 36w 3d pregnant, and I hadn't felt my baby move all day. The nurse told me to eat something. I said that I had tried milk and Coke, and she got bitchy and said it wasn't enough. So we went out to lunch. (I had gotten pretty upset by the phone call. Who was she to say I didn't know my body better than she? But still, I thought, she's a nurse. I'm a first time mommy.) We ate lunch (soup and salad and apple juice), and went home to do kick counts. I said we would give it until 4 o'clock. I laid down for about 3 minutes and said "Let's go." We drove to the hospital. When we were almost there, I started to cry. Now I was worried.
We got to Labor and Delivery, and there was a man with a bouquet of roses, asking about a patient. (I think it may have been his daughter?) The nurses told him that she had been released that morning and was gone. He got very angry. I remember looking at the roses and seeing that they still had the price tag on them. He stormed out of the room. The nurses turned to us and I told them "I haven't felt my baby move". The nurse asked "Did you call earlier?" "Yes" "Do you know who you talked to?" "No". I'm pretty sure this was the nurse I had talked to, and she didn't want me to know. We were walking down the hall and she asked me what was happening. I said "The baby is being very quiet and it's very unusual for her". At this point, I was freaking out. We got into the room, I changed into the gown, they brought in a nurse (Michelle) to check the heartbeat with a doppler. She couldn't find it. Her hands were cold, and her voice was pretty quiet. She patted my hand and said they were going to have someone else look. Someone else looked. And someone else. And someone said "I'm sorry, we can't find a heartbeat." And someone brought in an ultrasound machine. And a different one. And someone called my doctor. At one point, a new ultrasound machine was brought up, and the tech said "I'm here to check for the heartbeat" And I said "There isn't one." We called our parents. My doctor arrived.